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I think throwing the five in there also helps build up the sexual release. He's teasing you. It's a real cool trick. Is there a more nerve-racking chore to perform than putting dishes away while the kids are sleeping?

It's not possible to even SET a plate on top of another without it sounding like a gunshot echoing through the house. Here's how you can make your million dollars: invent silent dishes.

I've long argued with my wife that we should use paper plates and paper cups until the children are at least They make no noise.

I don't have to wash them. And no one is in danger of fucking breaking them. But nooooooo, we have to live like civilized folk!

Even the plastic dishes sound like snare drums when I stack them. I am a naturally loud human being. I don't mean that I spend all day yelling at the top of my lungs, but I tend to make noise whenever I move.

I'm big, so my footsteps are loud. I sometimes inadvertently close doors too hard, causing them to make a slamming sound. I fart. I'm just naturally loud, even when I'm trying not to be.

Now, my wife is the precise opposite of this. And so, my life has devolved into little more than my wife telling me that I'm being too fucking loud, especially when the kids are asleep.

My counterargument is that the kids need to learn to sleep through mild noises. It toughens them up. But I always lose that argument. One time I closed a cabinet door too hard and my wife got mad at me and I was finally like, "Will you just leave me be?

I'm not a goddamn cat burglar. I can't always keep quiet. Accept me for my loud fartiness. But now I've become a tightass when it comes to noise.

So like, when houseguests come over and the kids are sleeping, I have to bitch at THEM to not be too noisy, lest they wake up the precious, precious children.

And that makes me feel like a douche. Kids shouldn't grow ears until age It's not like they use them to listen anyway. Is it weird that when I get in bed, I imagine myself teaching a class about how to sleep.

And not a preschool or something, I mean a full lecture hall of students who are paying an exorbitant amount of money to be touched by my sleeping wisdom.

I lecture on everything: keeping the sheets untucked for optimal nocturnal leg mobility, comforter placement up to the neck, and a blanket horizontally located across my chest.

I sleep with a fan on so in the winter I mentally explain to my "students" how to maximize the cold air to comfort ratio.

I guarantee I have run through every single variable imaginable at least once in my life. Jesus, that's brilliant. I'm totally gonna use that technique to fall asleep now.

It beats my old technique of tying a plastic bag around my head, which my wife deemed unsafe. Whenever I'm on the verge of falling asleep, I'll notice that my brain will, at some point, begin to conjure up dreamlike images: purple swans, brunches with Elvis Costello, etc.

Shit that doesn't make any real sense. I won't be asleep quite yet, but I'm not entirely awake, so I can kind of consciously KNOW that I'm about to finally fall asleep, which is always of great relief to me.

So whenever I can't fall asleep, I take great pains to picture as much random shit in my head as possible, so that my brain will catch my drift: fighting monkeys, centaurs wearing monocles, a beach ball with human legs.

I resent that I have to exert that much imagination just to fall asleep. I should really start taking Ambien. On other thing I noticed when I was napping the other day was that I fall asleep faster if I leave my mouth open.

Read into that what you will. A few weeks ago, I was riding my bike to catch a long distance bus to Denver. Yes, you guessed it.

I'm a poor college student. On the way, I hit some gravel, skidded, and ate shit fairly extensively, banging my shins on the bike pedals and letting my hands and hairline scape on the asphalt.

I picked myself up and recovered enough to get back on the bike and make it to the station on time. Once on the bus though, the pain began to set in, and I realized that there was blood slowly trickling down my forehead into my eye, in addition to some seeping through my pant legs.

Without a bathroom on the bus, there was no way to clean it up and I sat there, sweaty and bloodied like Rambo, fully expecting some buxom woman to come up, daintily asking me if I wanted to borrow her white blouse to wipe my forehead clean.

I waited the whole bus ride, and no one, not even the grandma to my left, made a comment regarding my bloodied head and legs.

I admittedly wasn't elimanning-ing from the head, but I at least warranted one look of concern from another passenger on the hour-long bus ride.

What's your standard volume of blood that you require before acknowledging a stranger's injuries, and is this amount significantly altered if you're on public transportation?

I'm surprised no one mentioned it, because I think a lot of people get off on pointing out the fact that someone near them is bleeding.

You're all bloody and everything! I even give them medical instructions, even though I have no business doing so. Keep your nose up!

Disinfect the wound! Take anti-inflammatories! This is my only chance to play God! Anyway, no one mentioned it to you because, obviously, you were on a fucking Greyhound bus.

Everyone assumed you just hopped on the bus to skip town after murdering an orphan. No one's gonna point out the evidence of a struggle on your person.

You might kill THEM. Also, from living in New York for six years, I adopted the rule that if the person bleeding has no problem with it, then I got no problem with it.

Helps when sussing out which bleeding homeless people to step over. Time for your email of the week. Scott, come and claim your prize by emailing the tips line.

First real date of my life, in the 9th grade. We go to a movie and at some point hold hands and make out.

The intended victim was so angry he punched the cocky teenager so hard he knocked him off his feet. Earlier in the video a man takes him up on his offer and Mamurin can be seen peeing into a glass before handing it over.

Rich kid Grisha Mamurin has provoked a storm of protest by paying girls to flash their boobs in public.

Online humiliation Towards the end of the video he picks on safer targets, luring young women to kiss him and expose their breasts.

A blonde girls falls for the teens offer of cash.

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